Loser Says Marriage?
by Starlen Skyes
Summary: JK, DT, TA, SP. All's fair in love and war, but what about marriage? And do the guys even have a choice? I promise it'll make you laugh.


**Author's Note:**

**Okay, a few things that you should know before you start reading:**

_1. This is my first story posted so…be gentle?_

_2. Daxter and Tess are both human, 'cause otherwise…this story wouldn't work too well._

_3. The characters might be a tad bit OOC…but this is a humor fic, so…work with me here._

_4. Jak and Keira are together in this story…because in my and I'm sure a few other people's little worlds…Jak realized his horrid mistake in choosing Ashelin and went back to who he belongs with…though it is a little bit…odd in this story…_

_5. And finally, I own nothing…'cause like…do you see a shirtless Torn in any of the games. No, no you don't…(cries)_

**Ahem, anyway…I dedicate this fic to my good friend who also has a few things posted here…This is to make you and the rest of these people smile…hopefully…**

**Heh…enjoy.**

* * *

**_Loser Says…Marriage?_**

It was a quiet and beautiful Sunday morning in Haven City. The sun was shining, the chemically induced birds were chirping and everything in general gave out a really romantic atmosphere. Jak and Keira were sitting at the Naughty Ottsel having breakfast (one of Daxter's new schemes to make money). Jak was reading his paper, the 'Haven Express', to stay informed about any current political events around the small city of Haven. Keira was sipping her coffee quietly, shooting loving looks over to Jak from time to time. Whenever he caught her eye, he smiled at her warmly and went back to reading.

JAK: _'Finally…A quiet Sunday morning… I can just sit here, drink my coffee and worry about nothing…'_

TESS: _"Hey guys!" _

Tess' cheerful, but ear-piercing voice sounded all throughout the bar.

JAK: _'Why do you have to be such a cruel deity God? WHY? I just wanted some peace today… Sigh'_

The lively blond ran all the way to the couple's table and started talking incessantly to Keira.

TESS (excitedly): _"Keira! Just the person I was looking for! You'll never guess what I found!" _

JAK (sarcastically): _"A way to talk less?"_

TESS (pokes tongue out): _"No silly! And shut up! This is between me and Keira!" _(sits between them in booth)

KEIRA (curiously): _"What is it?"_

TESS: _"I was just glancing around at the shops with Daxter, when we came across a new stand. I browsed a bit, 'cause I was looking for a magazine to buy and found this!" _(sets down a magazine on the table)

KEIRA (puzzled): _"'Bride's magazine?"_ (picks up magazine)

Next to them, Jak choked on his coffee. He quickly put his paper down and banged hard on his chest with his fist. His face had gotten all red.

JAK: _"What?" _

TESS (jokingly): _"I thought I told you to shut up…Anyway…I bought it and just started skimming along the pages when I saw this…"_ (flips the magazine over to a certain page)

Jak suddenly felt the collar of his shirt way too tight for an unknown reason.

KEIRA (impressed): _"Oh, Mar! This is beautiful!"_

TESS (excitedly): _"I know! And I instantly thought about you! Wouldn't you look absolutely lovely in it!" _

Jak's eyes shot wide open.

SIG (walks into bar): _"Mornin' everyone! What are y'all lookin' at?" _(leans over the magazine)

TESS: _"Wouldn't Keira look amazing in this bridal gown!" _(points at the picture of a model in that gown)

SIG (enthusiastically):_ "Well, I s'pose that she would look pretty damn fine!" _

Immediately Jak shot him a poisonous look.

SIG (shrugging): _"What, man?"_

TESS: _"Yeah, what Jak?"_ (turns to look at him, as well as Keira)

JAK (all sweaty):_ "Uhh…Nothing…" _

DAXTER (walks over to them): _"Hey, what are you guys doing here?" _

TESS(cheerfully): _"I was showing Keira the gown we saw!"_

DAXTER (grins, looking at the desperate expression on Jak's face): _"Were you now? So Jak… What did you think?" _(four pairs of eyes rest upon Jak)

JAK (rubs back of hair): _"Uhh… I… I…Oh hey, look everyone! Ashelin is here!" _(springs up from his chair, walks over to Ashelin)

Ashelin was walking casually, unaware of what was going on.

JAK (cheerfully): _"Hey Ash!" _

ASHELIN (raises an eyebrow): _"Ash?" _

JAK (whispers):_ "Please save me!" _

ASHELIN:_ "What's going on?" _(looks at all the others)

TESS: _"We were discussing on how great this bridal gown would look on Keira!" _(raises the magazine up high, for Ashelin to see)

Jak slammed a hand upon his forehead. Ashelin walked over to the table and took the magazine in her hands.

ASHELIN (shrugging): _"She'd look OK…But I'd look better in it…" _

KEIRA (annoyed):_ "Yeah right!" _(grabs the magazine from Ashelin's hands)

ASHELIN: _"Sure I would… I'd look a better bride next to Jak even in my KG uniform!" _

Jak couldn't believe his ears.

KEIRA (gets up from chair): _"You're still after my man bitch!" _

ASHELIN:_ "Oh you bet! I'm never giving up!" _

SIG (gets up): _"Now, now girls…" _

KEIRA (yells): _"Shut thehell up tight ass! This is between me and that super-bitch over there!" _

SIG (hurt): _"That was MEAN! _Whimper _I'll go find my PeaceMaker to console me…"_

DAXTER (exasperated): _"You gotta find a better pet name, Sig!" _

ASHELIN (yells): _"EVERYONE SHUT UP! You wanna bring it on bitch? I'm ready for ya!"_ (pulls up her sleeves)

With a scream, Keira launched her self on Ashelin pulling her hair madly.

DAXTER (yells): _"CAT-FIIIIIGHT!"_

Within seconds the center of the Naughty Ottsel where the two girls were ripping off each other's clothes was full of drunks who had nothing better to do with their life.

MAN: _"I bet $500 that the KG chick kicks the shit out of her!"_ (waves a handful of money)

JAK (tries to get between them): _"You girls, this is ridiculous!"_ (gets a rogue kick square in the jaw from Keira)

DATXER: _"What are you crazy dude! Let us watch!"_ (gets all excited)

JAK (sighs): _"Oh man…" _

DAXTER (always looking at girls): _"You're really stupid, you know that? Why don't you keep both of them? Think of the possibilities…"_ (grins mischievously)

Jak scratched his head and fell into deep thought for a moment…

**_DAYDREAM..._ **

Jak is lying on a swing out in a garden. He's wearing sunglasses and is drinking juice. Next to him, Keira and Ashelin are doing chores. Keira is digging the ground, while Ashelin is chopping firewood.

JAK (rhythmically): _"Chop-chop, did-dig… Chop-chop, dig-dig…" _Keira stops digging and walks over to him. She walks behind him and touches his shoulders tenderly.

KEIRA (whispers to ear seductively): _"You know Jakky…There's so much more two girlfriends could do for you…"_

JAK (casually): _"I hear chopping, but I don't hear digging…" _

Keira's eyes shoot wide open and she returns to her digging

JAK(rhythmically): _"Chop-chop, dig-dig… Chop-chop, dig-dig…"_

**_END OF DAYDREAM..._**

JAK: _"Nah… Not a good idea…" _

DAXTER (shrugs): _"Whatever you say…HEY GIRLS!" _

Ashelin and Keira stopped fighting momentarily; Ashelin's hand was grabbing Keira's throat hard, while Keira was holding a big lock of Ashelin's now afro styled hair.

BOTH GIRLS (impatiently): _"WHAT!" _

DAXTER (grins): _"I've got a better idea…Why don't we take this to the backroom? I've created a lovely mud pond! You can both wear you bathing suits and…" _

Daxter never completed his sentence, because Tess threw him a hard punch on the face.

TESS (furiously): _"WHAT did you say!"_

DAXTER (stutters): _"Uhh… Nothing I…"_

Everyone had turned their heads over to them; even Ashelin and Keira had stopped fighting.

DAXTER (desperately): _"You know you're the only one I love babe! I can prove it!" _

Tess crossed her arms and raised an eyebrow. She was tapping her foot on the floor impatiently

DAXTER (hesitantly): _"Uhh… Marry me?"_

TESS (excitedly): _"WHAT! Oh my god everyone! I'm getting married!" _(jumps up and down)

Daxter wiped the sweat off his forehead, exhaling air.

SIG (chuckles): _"Nice going…" _

DAXTER: _"You don't want to see Tess mad… Trust me… I took the best action possible…"_

Meanwhile Tess was running around the bar giving everyone gun upgrades, to celebrate.

SIG (shouts): _"Gun upgrades! Wait for meeeeeee!"_

KEIRA (disappointed): _"Aw, no fair…"_ (gets up, dusts off her clothes)_ "That should've been me getting married…"_

ASHELIN (scoffs): _"Dream on bitch…"_

KEIRA (raises fists): _"Want your ass kicked more slut!"_

"_Hey everyone!"_ said a male voice out of nowhere.

EVERYONE (surprised): _"TORN!" _

TORN (smirks):_ "The one and only!" _

JAK: _"What the hell are you doing here! I thought you were gonna stay in the WasteLands."_ (walks right in front of him)

TORN: _"Long story… Why hello there Ashelin…" _(shoves Jak away. Walks over to Ashelin rubbing his chin)

ASHELIN (crosses arms): _"What?"_

TORN (in one breath): "_Well you see, I decided that I shouldn't give up drinking and should take another shot at it for no apparent reason so I came back here, meanwhile I've been doing a lot of thinking and I suddenly realized that although I hated your guts just a few months ago for the whole you totally ditching me for Jak thing, that now I'm crazy in love with you and I've decided you're the only one for me." _

ASHELIN (raises an eyebrow): _"Your point?" _

TORN (smirks): "_Wanna go to the backroom and screw our brains out?"_

ASHELIN (excitedly): _"Hell yeah!"_ (grabs Torn's ass and they both leave the main room).

EVERYONE (puzzled): _"O – K…"_

PECKER (walks in with Onin): _"Hey, listen up everyone!" _

Everyone stopped whatever they were doing and looked at him.

PECKER: _"Onin and I are getting married!"_

All remain silent. The sound of a cricket is heard.

KEIRA (puzzled): _"Since when were you two dating? A-And since when is that even slightly NOT creepy!"_

PECKER (turns to look at Onin): _"That's a good question…" _

She looked at him too and they both just shrugged.

PECKER: _"I dunno… We just thought we'd get married…"_

ONIN (PECKER): _"Either way, you're all invited!"_ (both storm out of the bar)

KEIRA (whines, looking at Jak): _"C'mon! They not even clinically sane and they're getting married…" _

SIG (holds gun upgrade close): "_What's going on?"_

KEIRA (crosses arms, frowning): _"Pecker and Onin are getting married…" _

SIG (panicked): _"Holy shit! Everyone's getting married! I gotta do something, I can't stay behind! Where's my PeaceMaker!"_ (looks around frantically) _"There it is! Hey, PeaceMaker!"_ (drops the upgrades, running over to her)

PEACEMAKER: "…"

SIG (falls on one knee): _"PeaceMaker…Will you marry me?"_

PEACEMAKER: "…"

SIG: _"Yeah, so… Will you marry me?" _

PEACEMAKER "…"

SIG(excitedly):_ "Great!" _(runs over to others) _"Hey you guys! I'm getting married!"_ (smiles broadly)

KEIRA (whines, stamping feet on floor): _"Jaaaaak…"_

ASHELIN (smirks): _"Hey guys…" _(walks inside the up to the group holding hands with Torn)

DAXTER: _"Wow… That was…"_ (looks at his watch)_ "...fast…"_

TORN (looks at Ashelin mischievously): _"Yeah, we couldn't wait until we got to the backrooms, so we had a quickie behind the bar…"_

DAXTER (exasperated): _"Aw, c'mon! And nobody told me anything! Dammit, this is my bar!"_

ASHELIN: _"That's not the point here…We came here to tell you guys… That we're getting married!" _

KEIRA: _"Ohhh…" _(faints and falls hard on the ground)

**_THUMP!_**

JAK (casually): _"She'll live…"_

DAXTER: _"But how d'you guys decide so fast?"_

ASHELIN: _"Well… I finally realized that Torn is much hotter and sexier than Jak…So… UP YOURS JAK!" _(turns over at him, giving him the finger) _"Plus… he's a way better lover…"_ (looks atTorn who winks at her)

KEIRA (faintly): _"How would you know what kind of lover Jak is!" _(tries to get up from floor)

ASHELIN (puts a finger on chin, thinking): _"Well… There was this one time when I was drunk and he was strapped to the Dark Eco Amplifying Chair…" _

KEIRA(widens up eyes): _"B-But that's molestation!"_

ASHELIN (shrugs): _"Yeah, so?"_

DAXTER: _"Sick! Man, even I'm getting sick at the sound of that!" _

ASHELIN: _"Anyway… The point is that we're getting married, so… UP YOURS TOO KEIRA!"_

KEIRA (yells): _"Aaaargh!"_ (runs out of the Ottsel)

JAK (wearily): _"Oh great…"_

ASHELIN: _"Come Torn. We can now go over to my apartment, where you'll dress up as my slave and I'll spank you with my whip…"_

TORN (excitedly): _"Ooh yeah!" _(follows her outside)

* * *

After about an hour, Jak returned to his apartment. He found Keira waiting for him inside; she was sitting on the bed and had her arms crossed. 

KEIRA (seriously): _"Jak…" _(gets up) _"We need to talk…"_

JAK: _"Listen Keira… I'm really not ready to commit… I do love you but…"_

KEIRA:_ "Save it. That's not what I want to talk about…"_

JAK (puzzled): _"What is it then?"_

KEIRA (firmly): _"I want to break up with you." _

JAK (sad and surprised): _"What! Why!" _

KEIRA: _"Because I've found someone better!"_

JAK: _"Who!"_

KEIRA: _"Oh baby…"_

Keiracalled towards the bathroom door. Out came Brutter, with a towel wrapped around his body.

JAK (drops jaw): _"You've got to be shittin' me…"_

KEIRA: _"I'm most definitely not… Come here babe…"_

They start making out wildly in front of him, while he looks at them with a look of pure disgust.

KEIRA: _"Just one more thing Jak…Wake up."_

JAK (puzzled): _"Huh?" _

BRUTTER: _"Yeah Jak, wake up!" _

* * *

KEIRA (tries to wake up Jak): _"Jak… Wake up…We've got to go get some breakfast now before the rush…"_

JAK (jolts up from bed): _"Wha- ? Was I… sleeping?" _

KEIRA (puzzled): _"Yes, it's a common thing to do at night… Come on, get dressed, or we won't get there in time for a nice quiet breakfast…"_

* * *

It was a quiet and beautiful Sunday morning in Haven City. The sun was shining, the chemically induced birds were chirping and everything in general gave out a really romantic atmosphere. Jak and Keira were sitting at the Naughty Ottsel having breakfast (one of Daxter's new schemes to make money). Jak was reading his paper, the 'Haven Express', to stay informed about any current political events around the small city of Haven. Keira was sipping her coffee quietly, shooting loving looks over to Jak from time to time. Whenever he caught her eye, he smiled at her warmly and went back to reading. 

JAK: _'Finally…A quiet Sunday morning… I can just sit here, drink my coffee and worry about nothing…'_

TESS: _"Hey guys!"_

Tess' cheerful, but ear-piercing voice sounded all throughout the bar.

JAK: _'Why do you have to be such a cruel deity God? WHY? I just wanted some peace today… Sigh'_

The lively blond ran all the way to the couple's table and started talking incessantly to Keira.

TESS (excitedly): _"Keira! Just the person I was looking for! You'll never guess what I found!" _

JAK (sarcastically): _"A way to talk less?" _

TESS (pokes tongue out): _"No silly! And shut up! This is between me and Keira!" _(sits between them in booth)

Jak suddenly looked at them terrified, as he had a terrible feeling of déjà-vu.

KEIRA (curiously):_ "What is it?" _

TESS: _"I was just glancing around at the shops with Daxter, when we came across a new stand. I browsed a bit, 'cause I was looking for a magazine to buy and found this!"_ (sets down a magazine on the table)

JAK (horrified):_ "Holy shit!" _(runs away screaming) _"NOOOOO, GET THE HELL AWAY FROM MEEEE!"_

TESS (confused): _"What's wrong with him?" _

KEIRA (shrugs): _"I dunno… He's been acting weird all morning… Anyway, what did you want to show me?"_

TESS:_ "Oh yeah! I got 'Mechanics Monthly'! There's a few new upgrades in there to your Racing Zoomer." _

KEIRA (excitedly): _"Really! Let me see…"_

* * *

**Author's Note:**

_Hopefully it wasn't too horrible…but opinions would be nice…please?_


End file.
